Bluh

Oct. 25th, 2010 10:58 pm
crimson_firecat: (Default)
[personal profile] crimson_firecat
Just so ya know, I say bluh a lot. I blame Homestuck.

So yeah.. The other day (Thursday?) the therapist came over for the first time. I had all the anxious. The anxious was me, etc. Apparently I need to start blocking freaking-out thoughts from my mind and shit when I try to go places. (Oh yeah, I need the therapy cause I'm agoraphobic or something similar, and haven't left our property since like June because any time I try to go somewhere I get sick and have to turn around and go home. Also I have aspergers and ODD and ADD which might be attributing.) Which, I mean, it SOUNDS easy, but it isn't. I can't really block out thoughts and replace them with good ones.. I feel like it's lying to myself, which is dumb. It wasn't spoken of specifically, but here's examples.

Me (thinking): Wow I'm ugly and fat.

What am I supposed to say instead, I'm beautiful and thin? Those are both completely wrong. I'm not beautiful, but I'm also not ugly. And I'm obese. So what, should I say 'I'm average looking and I COULD be fatter?' Wat.

Meh, anyway. I'm supposed to schedule an appointment at the doctor's for a full check up (I need to get one and get it all down on paper for my medicaid to cover the home-visit therapy with him). Ughhh so dreading THAT. But, I do *need* to do it, at least to get my last Guardasil shot. I'm just.. Really not looking forward to it. /shudder

Aside from that, I've been.. Kinda pendulum-ing (so swinging, shush.) between depressed and ok lately. Some things have been setting off my depression, mostly to due with stuff my friends say (that I know aren't meant to do that, don't worry, I know you guys aren't doing it consciously <333), especially my best friend. Just.. Ugh, man. Sometimes it feels like I'm completely stupid. He always assures me I'm not, but it's hard to not think I am (and that *he* thinks I am) when I need stuff he says explained to me so damn much. And other people too. And then I'm like DERP LOLOL I SO SLOWWWW.

Ugh.. Sometimes I just wanna cry.. Not even over a particular thing, but just to vent and get it all out. I don't think I have in a while because I haven't been able to be in my room for so long, and my only other option for privacy is the bathroom, which I'm in enough as it is.

Buuuut on the upside, I have had quite a few good days. ^^; Where I'm just in a good mood. It's usually on days where I'm just drawing by myself or playing WoW with my sister, or just talking to my bff while doing these things. But when I'm JUST talking to people, it's usually a bad/boring one. Kinda like today, which is why I'm about to pick up my tablet and get to work on that troll art trade I'm in with CherryVincent from FA. I'm so stoked to see what he does with Persea.~

So yeah. Just gonna get some fewd and soda, draw, maybe get some WoW art done, and then sleep. Boring day is boring (except for the mad scramble to see the Homestuck update. lolol the internetz just can't handle what Hussie's dishin' out.)



-Crim
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